Abandoned Places writing
Our learning goals are to:
-write a description, using powerful words and phrases
-include some Te Reo Māori
-carefully check that our sentences make sense and have correct punctuation and spelling.
Choose one of the images to prompt a piece of descriptive writing
My Abandoned Places Writing
I climb out of my 1410 Kitty Hawk. I put on my radio signal backpack and grab my 23kg first-aid
kit and run out into the dark moist forest full of big tall evergreen pine trees. Marking the ground
I rush through the bushes and through the long trees stumbling over the long twisted tree roots.
I try to stay as quiet as possible because I know that the enemy is lurking around here. I can
still hear EU 5651 Apaches above me scanning the ground for any signs of the enemy.
kit and run out into the dark moist forest full of big tall evergreen pine trees. Marking the ground
I rush through the bushes and through the long trees stumbling over the long twisted tree roots.
I try to stay as quiet as possible because I know that the enemy is lurking around here. I can
still hear EU 5651 Apaches above me scanning the ground for any signs of the enemy.
Then all of a sudden SMASH, BOOM, CRASH!!! One of the EU 5651 Apaches comes tumbling
out of the sky and crashes through the thick tall trees. It is on fire and thick black oil is trickling
out of the nose of the helicopter. The windshield is smashed and the whole helicopter is dented
and damaged. Then BANG!!, BANG!!, BANG!! I can hear the noise of gunshots. My heart is
pounding out of my chest. Suddenly I saw the kakariki green bushes start moving and out of
nowhere.
out of the sky and crashes through the thick tall trees. It is on fire and thick black oil is trickling
out of the nose of the helicopter. The windshield is smashed and the whole helicopter is dented
and damaged. Then BANG!!, BANG!!, BANG!! I can hear the noise of gunshots. My heart is
pounding out of my chest. Suddenly I saw the kakariki green bushes start moving and out of
nowhere.
Two panzer army tanks drive right out of the bush. I start shooting the tanks but it is useless it
only makes one tiny bullet hole so I grab a grenade from my gun strap and climb up onto the
tank. I open up the hatch and use all my force to chuck the 11kg grenade into the hatch. The
driver and the gunner both jump out in fear. They both aim guns at me then all of a sudden a
douglas dc3 flies above me and drops a huge cylinder shaped object. At that moment I realize that it’s a bomb and run for my life but I feel a sharp object fly and hit my back. The two people yell “OI!!! COME BACK ER” I yell “NO!!!” but I soon regret saying that because they yelled “IF I AM GONNA DIE THEN YOU ARE COMING DOWN WITH ME”. They both hold up guns and grab my arm. But I hastily jump before the bomb hits I feel a strong gust of thick smoke and wind hit my back. I can feel tiny shards of rock, metal and wood fly past my back. However I suffer bad smoke and gas inhalation so I quickly grab a gas mask that is dangling from my neck and put it on as fast as possible. I try to escape the burning gas and radiation.
only makes one tiny bullet hole so I grab a grenade from my gun strap and climb up onto the
tank. I open up the hatch and use all my force to chuck the 11kg grenade into the hatch. The
driver and the gunner both jump out in fear. They both aim guns at me then all of a sudden a
douglas dc3 flies above me and drops a huge cylinder shaped object. At that moment I realize that it’s a bomb and run for my life but I feel a sharp object fly and hit my back. The two people yell “OI!!! COME BACK ER” I yell “NO!!!” but I soon regret saying that because they yelled “IF I AM GONNA DIE THEN YOU ARE COMING DOWN WITH ME”. They both hold up guns and grab my arm. But I hastily jump before the bomb hits I feel a strong gust of thick smoke and wind hit my back. I can feel tiny shards of rock, metal and wood fly past my back. However I suffer bad smoke and gas inhalation so I quickly grab a gas mask that is dangling from my neck and put it on as fast as possible. I try to escape the burning gas and radiation.
Then just out of the corner of my eye I see a crumbling brick building covered in moss. I see it and rush in to it as the planes soar above me dropping bombs and as the army tanks drive past me through the thick fudgy soil. I can still hear the machine guns shooting rapidly in the distance. Suddenly I hear the ground rumbling and the old building starts to shake with bricks crumbling off. Then a colossal sized army tank drives straight into the old building sending it smashing into pieces I get blasted and I fall over only to find a huge green army tank driving straight over me but I'm still alive. I quickly crouch down under the tank luckily I'm not injured. So I grab a land mine and place it under the tank. I run for my life I hear a deafening roar in the distance behind me. I keep on running until I reach the end of the wet, cold, damp, pango black forest. I burst out of the bushes and meet my team at the port. There is an aircraft carrier waiting for me there I jump onto the aircraft carrier and run across the floating runway and climb into a spitfire then I disappear off into the kikorangi blue sky...
Charlie, what a very interesting and intense piece of writing. I like the picture that you have chosen to help provide inspiration for your story. The old crumbling building looks like it has been there for many years. I can see how you would have imagined it would have provided a good hiding place in the battle but alas it did not.
ReplyDeleteThis certainly is a descriptive, emotive and powerful piece of writing. I particularly like your description of the "dark moist forest" which sounds kind of eerie! and "thick fudgy soil". Great job on the punctuation also Charlie. Kei te pai te mahi - you are working well. Love Mum.
After reading your story the sweat is dripping off me! This is action writing at its most powerful. You have created a superb piece of writing. It links so well to the initial image you were supplied with.You have also used te reo as well. Your use of onomatopoeia helps create the graphic images in my mind as I read the story. Your use of direct language within the speech marks and using the capitalisation adds realism to your characters, giving them urgency and helps creates the sense of conflict between them. Overall your punctuation is pretty good. Well done, I cant wait to read your next story.
ReplyDeleteHi Charlie
ReplyDeleteWhat a great job you did with this piece of writing. It was great to see you sticking to the task of creating a piece of writing that included lots of description. You used lots of great language to describe what was going on for your character and to describe the scene like, dark moist forest full of big tall evergreen pine trees." I could also see that this time you were more careful with your punctuation. Well done.